Before I was a Mom

I accidentally found this poem last week while I was searching for something else. I can't help but tear up every time I read it because it does a good job of expressing how I feel about motherhood. 

Before I was a Mom
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on
Pooped on
Spit on
Chewed on
Peed on
Or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom
I had complete control of:
My thoughts
My body
And my mind.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child
So that doctors could do tests
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
When I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
Could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a Mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
Could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth
The joy
The love
The heartache 
The wonder
Or the satisfaction of being a mom. 

He's Here!

This has the potential to be a very long post. So, if you're feeling peckish, I recommend going to get a snack before you start reading. Or you can just skip over the words and look at all the cute pictures. Because I'm sure there will be a lot of pictures. I'm one of those moms who thinks they have the cutest kid in the world (but that's probably all moms)! Okay, got your snack? I can start now.

Introducing

Shawn Joseph Rawlinson

born on February 13, 2013

at 4:16 p.m.

6 pounds, 12 ounces

19 3/4 inches long

Shawn's birth story:

I went to my 39 week doctor's appointment on February 12. If you recall from my last post, I was starting to have early signs of preeclampsia at around 37 weeks. At 38 weeks, these signs had completely disappeared. So we weren't sure what to expect at 39 weeks. We had a feeling we would be having our baby soon, so we put all the hospital bags in the car just in case. At my appointment the symptoms had returned, and the doctors felt it was best to get the baby out before they got any worse. We were so excited and scared!

We headed up to the hospital around 4:00. We got checked in and I put on my lovely hospital gown. Since I hadn't started dilating at all, they decided to do cervidil overnight. The nurse said I had to start my clear liquid diet at this point, but my doctor snuck me some dinner. Bless him. That night they gave me drugs to help me sleep. Too bad they didn't work. I spent most of the night staring at the clock. It would have been hard to sleep anyway with my blood pressure being checked every 15 minutes and all the other monitors strapped to me. In the morning the cervidil was removed and I still hadn't really progressed at all. I don't know how it is for other women, but being checked for dilation was pretty much the most painful thing ever for me. I literally screamed and writhed through it each time. The doctor came in and told me that there was a possibility of this ending in a c-section. Apparently I have an extremely narrow pelvis. The doctor said it was the second narrowest pelvis he'd ever seen. I'm sure you wanted to know that about me. 

They started pitocin (a drug to induce labor) around 8:30. For the first few hours I didn't really feel anything. But a few hours in, the back labor started. Holy ouch. Worst back pain I've ever felt. And it didn't come in waves like regular contractions do- it was constant. I never did feel any contractions in the front. Poor Ben was rubbing my back and reminding me to breathe. I didn't listen to him. I cried my eyes out instead. 

The doctor came back around 3:00 to see how the pitocin was doing. I was only 2-3 cm. At this point I was afraid this was going to take all night. The doctor gave us all the pros and cons of letting labor continue versus opting for a c-section and left the room for us to talk about it and make a decision. We talked and said a prayer and felt like a c-section was the better option for us. I felt bad that I was kind of "giving up" on a normal delivery. However, several months before I had a feeling that I was going to need a c-section. That feeling had always been in the back of my mind so when the time came to make the choice, it didn't scare me  because I had already accepted it. The doctor didn't push us one way or the other, but after we made our choice he said it was a good decision.

It was baby time! We knew we would be meeting our son very soon. They wheeled me back to the operating room. My mom and grandparents were just arriving at the hospital and had time to give me a quick hug. The spinal wasn't too bad, although it was weird to not be able to wiggle my toes. It felt like forever before Ben was allowed to come in the room. He got to wear a sweet lab coat and mask. Ben peeked over the curtain during the surgery. This surprised me because he doesn't handle blood very well! But he got to watch our son coming out. He kept saying "There he is! He's so cute!" The first thing I wanted to know was if he had hair. He didn't! We had a little baldy. As he was being pulled out, Ben said he stuck his foot back in. I guess I made a nice home for him for the last 9 months because he was reluctant to come out! After it was all said and done, I was glad we opted for a c-section because it likely would have ended there anyway. He was much higher up than the doctors thought and he had the cord wrapped around his neck a couple times. 

I was expecting to hear a cry, but I didn't hear anything. He had a little bit of trouble breathing right at first. The doctors stuck his head over the curtain for about 1 second so I could see him and all I could think was, "wow, that is a tiny head!" They took him to the NICU to give him some oxygen. He only needed it for a minute and then he was fine. Ben went off to see the baby while I was being sewn up. I had to wait over an hour before I could hold him. Longest hour ever. But he was sure worth the wait.

The day after Shawn was born was awful. I've never felt so miserable in my life. I hadn't slept in two days and I was in a lot of pain. I've felt a little better each day since then, and now 12 days later I almost feel back to normal. We were in the hospital for about 3 days before we got to come home. 

We are slowly learning how to be parents. My mom was here for about a week and her help was invaluable.    

Shawn sleeps a lot. It's mostly during the day...we're still working on the nights. He is very cuddly. He loves sleeping in his swing and on daddy's chest. Waking up takes him about 30 minutes. It's hilarious. He opens one eye and then closes it. Then he opens both eyes and closes them. Then he falls back asleep for a few minutes and tries again.

Shawn's name is very special to us. We actually chose it while we were watching tv. One of the characters was named Shawn and we had the conversation that went like, "Do you like that name?" "Yeah." But that's not why we ended up picking it. I have an uncle Shawn who passed away when he was only 2 months old. We thought it would be neat to pass that name along to our son. Shawn's middle name is special because Joseph is Ben's middle name and also Ben's grandpa's first name. 

If you get jealous easily, don't read this paragraph. One week after Shawn was born I had not only lost all the pregnancy weight, but I was five pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. It's nice to be able to fit into my regular clothes right away. I look forward to when I'm healed enough to start exercising again. 

My aunt Tina is a photographer and was nice enough to come take some newborn pictures of Shawn. I've only seen a few, but I LOVE them! I can't wait to see the rest! You can see more of her work here.

I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mom. It's definitely not the most glamorous job; already today I've been peed and puked on multiple times. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the word. 

Love Notes

Back in July 2011, we started writing in this:

It's our book of love notes. Ben and I take turns writing each other short notes. After we write in it, we hide it somewhere in the house for the other to find. It's always a nice surprise to open up a cupboard to grab a bowl and find this instead! This book is almost full, so I have a new one ready to start. If you are married and don't do something like this, I highly recommend it. It's so fun to look back and read all the notes and remember different things we've been through together. 

In baby news, we had our 37 week ultrasound yesterday. They were concerned that baby boy might be growing too fast, but he was perfect! He was estimated to be 6 pounds, 5 ounces (48th percentile). That makes me feel better that I won't have to give birth to a 10 pound baby. I learned that I am starting to have beginning signs of preeclampsia (You can click on the link if you don't know what that is). I'm grateful that this issue didn't come up until I was full term. A lot of times, moms with preeclampsia end up delivering early. If things haven't improved at my appointment on Tuesday, this baby might be making his arrival sooner than we expected!